Football Freak's Guide to Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time when life's three Fs—família, food, and football—merge to put a smile on the face of millions of men. Along with napping and avoiding your annoying relatives, sports fans know Turkey Day is the perfect opportunity to watch a ridiculous amount of football. While it all sounds good on paper, we know balancing the three Fs can be a real pain in the nalgas. Mama wants to watch the eight-hour Macy's Parade, your primo nabbed the best seat in front of the flat screen and grandpa drank the last Corona. So how do you stay well fed, watch all the games and not beat down one of your relatives this Thanksgiving? SiTV.com tells you how.

 

First Down: I come from a Dominican family and we make an art form out of being late, but on Thanksgiving there is no greater rule than getting to the party early. Not only will you get the best parking spot in the barrio but you'll get the lay-of-land in terms of food and best way to access the serving line. More importantly, you'll establish the TV area as your football-watching domain. Imagine you're Robert DeNiro in Heat and the rest of your family is Al Pacino and his team when they walk right into DeNiro's trap and blow their surveillance cover. You're in complete control. Luckily your family doesn't gun you down at LAX two hours later.

Abuela's Favorite: Eliminate any uncertainty. As soon as you arrive announce that you "came to see family and watch football." Essentially you're calling dibs on the TV and if you followed the "First Down" rule, there won't be enough relatives at the house to argue. Also, by establishing what's important for you that day, loyal relatives (abuelas, anyone?) will back you up. If someone tries to change the channel, your abuelita will defend her probrecito nietecito who "just wanted to watch the football games."

Gridiron Then Grub: You've claimed your place in front of the TV and secured the remote. Nothing can stop you from enjoying an entire day of football now so don't make the rookie mistake of rushing to eat. Unless you're eating with the Klumps, there will be plenty of food to go around. Wait for everyone to get food then during Fox's 900th commercial break, make your move and pick from the ample remains.
Blogger's Note: This is assuming you're dealing with a serving line/grub-in-front-of-the-TV situation. If it's a more traditional Anglo Thanksgiving at the dining room table, everyone's equally screwed.

Hired Help: Like Nas says on Hip Hop Is Dead, "Ya gotta hold down the block." An easier way to accomplish this is to use your power of persuasion as the "cool" older cousin/tía/tío and enlist some help. Target a nephew and hire him with some sort of bribe or arrangement. Have him fill your plate with food throughout the day and in return, let him hang out in the cool kids section. Before you know it you'll be kicking back watching football while your little helper brings you food and protects the remote when you have to hit el baño.

All Bets Off: Family and food mix but family and money mix about as well as an A-Rod/Guy Ritchie paintball match refereed by Madonna. In other words, don't gamble with your relatives while watching the Thanksgiving Day games. Things will quickly get ugly and personal. You might be tío's favorite nephew, but beat tío for $10 on a last second field goal in the Cowboy's game and watch the room get more intense than the standoff scene in Reservoir Dogs. People gamble for the emotional highs and lows and people avoid relatives for the exact same reason. Never combine family and funds. No "Gentlemen's Bets" either, they're more boring than CSPAN.